That’s the heading that Kate Bowler gives to the list at the end of her book, Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I’ve Loved (Random House, 2018). My friend Brenda Bradley gave me this book for Christmas 2018 and I recommend it for those brave enough to take seriously a memoir about disability, infertility and terminal cancer written by a theologically astute and very articulate woman. The author is a scholar of the history of Christianity and published her dissertation as Blessed: A History of the American Prosperity Gospel (Oxford University Press, 2013). Her third book (forthcoming from Princeton University Press) is titled The Preacher’s Wife: Women and Power in American Megaministry. Her website is www.katebowler.com
But here’s the list of things NOT to say:
1. “Well, at least . . .”
2. “In my long life, I’ve learned that . . .”
3. “It’s going to get better. I promise.”
4. “God needed an angel.”
5. “Everything happens for a reason.”
6. “I’ve done some research and . . .”
7. “When my aunt had cancer . . .”
8. “So how are the treatments going? How are you really?”
As a pastor, I endorse all of those. Don’t say any of them. Ever. Even if you believe them, don’t say them. They don’t help. Another unhelpful thing to say is: "Let me know what I can do to help."
Bowler recommends several things you might say/do---but here are my own recommendations:
1. That’s really hard!
2. I’m so sorry. (With a hug or holding a hand, depending on the sufferer's level of comfort with you or level of physical pain)
3. Can I walk your dog/bring a meal/take your kid(s) to the playground? Anything specific. If not needed, the person can just say no, thanks.
When someone who is experiencing suffering or loss asks you, “Why is this happening?” or “Why is God allowing this to happen?” the correct answer is, “I don’t know.”
Unless you are God, that is, which you are not.
If you have the guts you can add, "But I plan to yell at God quite a bit on your behalf." But if you say that, then you have to do it.
But here’s the list of things NOT to say:
1. “Well, at least . . .”
2. “In my long life, I’ve learned that . . .”
3. “It’s going to get better. I promise.”
4. “God needed an angel.”
5. “Everything happens for a reason.”
6. “I’ve done some research and . . .”
7. “When my aunt had cancer . . .”
8. “So how are the treatments going? How are you really?”
As a pastor, I endorse all of those. Don’t say any of them. Ever. Even if you believe them, don’t say them. They don’t help. Another unhelpful thing to say is: "Let me know what I can do to help."
Bowler recommends several things you might say/do---but here are my own recommendations:
1. That’s really hard!
2. I’m so sorry. (With a hug or holding a hand, depending on the sufferer's level of comfort with you or level of physical pain)
3. Can I walk your dog/bring a meal/take your kid(s) to the playground? Anything specific. If not needed, the person can just say no, thanks.
When someone who is experiencing suffering or loss asks you, “Why is this happening?” or “Why is God allowing this to happen?” the correct answer is, “I don’t know.”
Unless you are God, that is, which you are not.
If you have the guts you can add, "But I plan to yell at God quite a bit on your behalf." But if you say that, then you have to do it.